For many years, I have struggled to enter a dance studio. The desire to move my body in fully extended power, in community with others, has been sitting at the base of my being since I stopped dancing consistently in early 2016. This yearning within me has been a strong and clear reminder that the studio was once my home, and I miss it. The anxiety of my mind has tended to outweigh this desire, and I feel like I can count on one hand the classes i’ve actually made it to since 2016.

Today I am going to a class. A yoga for dancers class, specifically. I want to try a lot of the offerings at a new studio that I found, but I am starting small, gently. Yoga feels easier than jumping into a contemporary class, and with this class being tailored to dancers it feels well aligned with what I’ve been needing.

I’m nervous. I’m stalling so I don’t get there too early and let my mind fill with even more anxieties and insecurities. But I’m going, because I need to. I want to. I get to, and that is truly such a gift.

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I signed in, feeling the familiar butterflies of being in a new space, interacting with other dancers and expecting all kinds of things to occur. I paid for class, set my things down, laid out my mat. I was the first student to arrive which gave me time to meet the teacher, who was incredibly welcoming and excited for my return to the studio. She shared that she started teaching at my alma mater in 2015, so we just missed each other, and I was again reminded of how truly *tiny* the dance world is. I let myself be comforted by the familiarity of it all. The other students started to arrive and I allowed myself to let go and begin to move.

As the class progressed, I noticed my brain wandering to the other bodies in the space and the way I looked in the mirrors less and less. I felt the contractions of muscles that have been dormant for too long, allowed my breath to bring vitality to the places that felt stiff, and started to sense my body coming back to itself. Of course, I know this is going to be a long process. The few times I have taken class since 2016, I often got close to or actually did slightly injure myself. I get so excited when I’m back in a studio, starting to feel the glimmers of the bliss I used to achieve regularly in a similar space. Often this means I surpass my current body’s limits, falling into muscle memory from a time when I was dancing rigorously, daily, with a determination that since has transferred its way into other areas of my life.

But now I’m coming back to the studio, willing myself to redefine how to express my devotion to dance without all of the negative self talk and unrealistic expectations that I’m used to experiencing in that space. It felt good to be back in the studio. Great even. I loved the combination of meditative elements with the musical choices and energy of the teacher, and it was refreshing to get out of my head and into my body as I shared space with others doing the same.

I am excited to go back, and to keep exploring movement from this current perspective, in my body as it is today. It’s definitely different than it was before, and I’m so grateful for everything we’ve been through together. However long I have been avoiding dance studios, I’ve gone through some really important and life changing events. The integration of everything I’ve learned and experienced is a continual process, and I am humbled by the opportunity to show up for myself in these ways.

stepping back into the dance studio

seventeen

spring forth into yourself