seventeen

aquarium vibes on souped kodak film 🎞️

this week marks seventeen years since my father died. seventeen years since two cops knocked on our front door and my life was changed forever. seventeen years since a disgruntled client, hungry for more money, killed my father in his legal office.

my next big trauma took place when i was on the verge of turning seventeen myself. i remember seeing the movie seventeen again with my then boyfriend, letting the young zac efron cushion the discontent i felt in the relationship, the extent of manipulation i had been subject to without knowing how to escape.

i’m 30 now. i’ve had so many life experiences i never would have imagined at the ages of 13 and 16. and for that i am so, so grateful. and still, i have a sadness sitting with me, a constant reminder that grief is lasting and questions can keep coming forever. so i sit. i let these entities and energies exist, not trying to change them but also not quite knowing what to do with them.

seven has always been my favorite number. i remember traveling to jamaica with my family when i was seven, sipping virgin strawberry daiquiris in the pool with my dad and getting my hair braided in cornrows on the beach. i distinctly remember feeling an immense amount of gratitude, realizing how lucky i was to have all that i did.

much changed in the next ten years. the more time that passes, a greater space begins to present itself between the metaphorical curtains and sheets that have dominated my emotional landscape ~ keeping me “safe” in denial and avoidance. maturity is teaching me what it means to grieve. for me, that means allowing memories to rise to the surface of my mind, without automatically pushing them down for fear of feeling too much. sometimes it means writing out my feelings (which i always wish i did more of.) often times it means losing myself in a televised world, allowing the stories and characters on screen to unlock the doors that generally keep my emotions at bay.

despite the challenges of my life, i will forever be grateful for the person i have been shaped into as a result. the most beautiful part is that the growth can keep happening. every day i get another chance to cherish the life i have while allowing the realities of the past to sit with me as well. and of course, keeping those who have passed with me each step of the way.