a celebration of queer love (and a playlist) 💗

photo by Genna BloomBecker

This Valentine’s Day, I want to offer a collection of songs that remind me of the magic of love. And not just any love, but queer love.

Why queer love, you ask?

Well, there is something about the queer perspective that makes me feel whole. The breaking apart of expectations, the acceptance of uniqueness in every individual and experience, the determination to create a life for ourselves rather than the one we are expected to live. I have experienced these revelations and many more since the inception of my queer identity.

I grew up in Santa Cruz, California, in a community full of queer, spiritual, passionate and accepting humans. I was surrounded by such queerness, such unabashed expression, that for many years I didn’t realize that I could also identify as queer.

After experiencing emotional and sexual coercion in high school, my ability to connect to myself and others was compromised. I spent years going on countless dates with people I met online, mostly to pass the time but always with the hope that I might meet someone who helped me come alive. I learned a lot and had some interesting conversations, but I knew that as long as I was approaching love as a past-time and a distraction from my inner challenges, I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for.

My queer journey started by switching my online profiles to be interested in both men and women. I got a crush, fell for a girl who blew me off constantly, and stayed in many of the same patterns I’d been in for years. I had my first relationship with a woman in college, but it would take another few years of experience for me to start living out the acceptance and pure love that I was seeking.

Fast forward to the weekend before Halloween, 2018. I dressed up as Alfalfa for my shift at Buffalo Exchange in Berkeley, CA, and I posted on my IG story seeing if any friends knew of a party I could crash. The universe answered my call and that night, I met Michelle.

The beginning of our relationship was not without its challenges, but from the first second our eyes locked I could feel something magical sparking between us. At the time that we met, I was actively grieving my first breakup with a person I had cared deeply for. I was sad, scared, overwhelmed and hurt. But my time of grieving was truncated in the best way.

I truly believe that the universe brought us together on that night, and our connection since has helped me to exhale fully into the acceptance that I had been missing for years. The interplay of understanding and intrigue, the excitement of finding someone with whom life makes sense, it was all so different to me. I still welcome it every day with open arms and a heart full of gratitude.

And now here we are, on Valentine’s Day in 2021. I am a very different person than I was three Halloweens ago, and I am forever grateful for the expansion that my heart and soul have experienced through this relationship.

Of course, relationships are not always the place where we heal. Sometimes we need to be alone. But I always had certain feelings about my future love- I had a feeling I’d meet them at a party (check!), they’d be a musician (check!), and it would be a huge and all-consuming love on both sides (check!). Through this experience I’ve learned to trust myself, to trust the universe, and to not take things too seriously.

Our paths are what they are for a reason. The challenges we face teach us the lessons we need to learn. Romantic love is not at all the end-all be-all. Platonic and familial love can benefit from the same lessons that come out of romantic relationships. My experience in my current queer relationship has opened my eyes to so many things in this world, and I am grateful to share my story so that others may feel less alone.

photo by Michelle Jarmon