not knowing

I remember Summer Lee Rhatigan at the San Francisco Conservatory of Dance telling us that the not knowing is what’s exciting about dance. The not knowing allows us to be in continuous exploration, rather than maintaining a tightly-gripped dependency on calculated outcomes. I never liked this perspective.

I always craved deeper knowledge in the studio, a way to integrate it into my movement, and an inner feeling of confidence in myself. Ultimately it took stepping away from the dance studio environment and connecting with myself to realize i already had all of this within me. I just wasn’t ready to listen. Growing up I thought that my own insight was less than that of others I could learn from. I still find myself falling into those patterns of thinking, but I realize now that the perspective of trusting others more than myself is not only unhealthy, it is disrespectful to the parts of myself that are crying out to be listened to. Perhaps you know what I’m talking about.

Deriving feelings of worth through the appeasement, appreciation, and acceptance from others is a big factor in my struggles with trusting myself. I talk about these struggles on my podcast, but I know that each day is going to bring new chances to understand and integrate what my experiences and expectations are. Learning to find, listen to, and trust my inner voice has been one of the defining journeys of the last decade of my life.

I recently turned 29 and I definitely feel the shifts. While I always disliked not knowing in the realm of dance, by my teens I had gotten comfortable without having an idea of what my future would look like. Experiencing the deaths of close family members at a young age made me acutely aware that the future is not promised to anyone.

But now here I am, 29 and not quite sure where exactly I’m headed. The details aren’t important though, because the type of inner knowing that I do have, tells me not to worry. It tells me to trust. Trust myself, trust the universe, trust that the lessons and hurdles of my life have prepared me for whatever may come. Just as yours have. It is my deepest wish that you find your own inner voice and spend time with the intention of letting it thrive. There is a lot of noise in this world but the most important sound is that of our intuition.

Here’s to not knowing some things, and trusting our inner knowing for the rest ✨